we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found puke in my bra..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
