You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
