If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
