You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
