I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
