My nipple is on Facebook.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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