piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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