I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize