My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
