I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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