if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
