It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
