I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
