Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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