God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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