I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You're like the curious george of whores
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
