one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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