Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
