and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
