You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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