Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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