were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
