she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she peed on how many people?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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