he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
