god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He keeps bees of course he's weird
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
