On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
