my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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