my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
