grandma shit on top of the toilet
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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