I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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