wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
