I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
