Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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