I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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