I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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