Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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