o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
