1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
