Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
literally had 100 drinks last night.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
do herpes really smell.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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