I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pants are for mortals
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
