im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
