Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
