And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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