I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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