im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
