I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
