just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize