You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Your dad touched me again.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
