At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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