Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
