LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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