Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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