Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
