ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize