Girls should come with a carfax report
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
