are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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