Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
